“No” – Small Word, Big Impact
For years I struggled to navigate my schedule and balance the frequent requests for help from friends and family. One day, a friend saw me struggling to say “No” to another random request for help. She responded by advising me on how to do it and it was her intervention that initiated my journey of reclaiming my time.
* I still occasionally agree to undertake tasks or participate in activities I don’t actually want to when my guard is down.
Here’s what I wrote in a previous post:
“Learn to say “no”! This was one of the hardest changes for me. For years I felt obligated to say “Yes.” I felt people were relying on me.
Guess what? Most of the time, they are not. They are trying to find someone to do the work. If you say “no,” they would continue onto the next person until someone agrees.
If you feel uncomfortable saying “no” on the spot, you can always ask for a bit of time to confirm your schedule before you give your response. Later, send a message telling them you already have plans and are unable to undertake another task. This isn’t a lie – you have YOUR plans to work on.
This is YOUR time, and you don’t have to explain what you do with it or feel guilty about refusing to give it away. Yes, some people will try to guilt you into doing it.
Every time you say “yes” when you should say “no” you are canceling your plans to make someone else’s happen.”
Why Is It Difficult To Say “No”?
The main reason we often struggle with saying “no” is the fear of rejecting or hurting the person asking us for help. Many people prefer to inconvenience themselves rather than disappoint another person.
This attempt to shelter the other individual, however, often results in increased self-disappointment, frustration, over-stress, and work for you. We have to learn that wanting and being able to help are two different things. How can you be helpful to anyone if this causes you to become frustrated and over-stressed? How can it be beneficial to anyone?
The Way You Say “No”
- Learn to communicate in a way that makes your answer clear. Sometimes you say one thing, but the other person can misinterpret it.
- Do not apologize when saying “no”. This is your time and your life, you decide what to do with it. If you start apologizing, someone might see you as feeling guilty and pressure you into saying “yes”.
- Do not go into long explanations, keep the answer short and to the point. The more you explain, the guiltier you look. You are not guilty of wanting to manage your own time.
- Be polite and friendly but firm. It is hard to get upset with a person who is nice to you.
Tony Blair
“The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes.”
The Art Of Saying “No”
A few tips on how to develop the skill of saying “no” without hurting other people’s feelings:
- Tell the person that you need to check your calendar and reply later. Later, send a message saying you already had plans and wouldn’t be able to help. This type of answer will take off the pressure of answering immediately.
- Tell the person that you have to check with your family to ensure that you are not interfering with previous plans. This is an excellent thing to do in any situation, even if you plan to say “yes”.
- Tell the person that you would love to help, but that you cannot right now. If you already have something planned for this time, it is better to say “no” and allow the person to find someone else.
- Offer to help with something else. If you can’t help with the request but still want to be there for the person, offer to help with something else. For example, if a friend is moving and needs help. Although you are unable to help on moving day, you can help with other things, such as packing and cleaning.
- If you felt pressured to say “yes” and later realized you couldn’t help, don’t feel obligated to still do it. Call or send a message explaining your misjudgment; however, always make sure to give the individual enough time to find someone else to help.
- If the person tells you that “everyone else is going/doing it” this should be a warning sign. You should never feel obligated to do something simply because others are. Do you remember what our parents used to tell us as kids? “If they jump off the bridge, are you going to as well?”
- We all have people in our lives who ask for favors or help because they know we can’t say “no”. Take a moment to think in advance about what you may say to them next time they ask. Or, talk to a friend, a family member or write down possible ways of saying “no”. Say it out loud to yourself in the mirror or to a friend. Practice makes perfect!
Conclusion
If you still find saying “no” hard, try learning the skill in smaller steps. For example, try saying “no” in small, unimportant situations. Or, say “no” to yourself at the store when you reach for the giant ice cream container. Small steps make big changes.
The skill of saying “no” will save your sanity and your precious time.
Please share how you proceed in such situations. Why do you think it is so difficult for many people to say “no”? Please share your experiences below, so others can also learn from them. If you’d like, you can contact me directly.
I offer a free 1-hour discovery session for new clients. I would love to talk to you and help you get on the road to becoming the best version of yourself.
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I am here for you!
